How has it been a year?

A year ago today I first posted about little Alan and his rough entrance into this world. As most of you will remember, we lost that sweet little boy after he fought so hard for nearly six months.

This week that marks a year since his birth has me struck with nostalgia as I think of his sweetness and how he helped and changed my family. This week I am jolted out of the silly worries and drama and reminded of what really matters. So today, I just want to re-post what I wrote the day that Alan passed away.


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TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2008

The Fight Is Over

We lost Alan this morning around 1:45 am (Arizona time). I am sad, of course, but I know that everything is okay. It's hard and I wish things could be different, but I have the peace and comfort that the Atonement affords. The hardest part is knowing that I'm only getting a tiny taste of what Gene and Allison are experiencing. I pray that they will be able to feel that peace, too, and perhaps feel closer to Heavenly Father now than they ever have.

At the time, I was aware that my experience with Alan in September was a sweet, tender mercy. But that was back when I was sure that he was going to make it - that it was only a matter of time until he was home and would grow up like any other little boy. Now that he has passed away, this experience has become invaluable to me. I cannot express enough gratitude to my Father in Heaven for knowing me so well and loving me so much to give me exactly what He knew I would need when Alan left us. I simply can't convey the depth of my gratitude. And especially that the nurse walked by and asked me if I wanted a picture with him - something I didn't know at the time was going to be so necessary, for I was sure I'd hold him again soon.

I took this picture with my phone as he stared up into my eyes, and it has become so very precious to me. This is how I remember him. This is how I will think of him when I recall the sweet aura that was about him.

I truly believe that Alan was here this long to teach us something. To change my family. I can hardly imagine how special his valiant little spirit must be. He wasn't expected to live more than a couple days, and I'm absolutely awed that he was willing to fight so hard for so long through so much pain until his poor little body just couldn't do it anymore, just to help us. I strongly feel that he has been holding on the past several days until his parents were ready to let him go. It was just last night that they made the decision to take him off life support on Wednesday. What a sweet, merciful little boy to wait until they were ready, and then go on his own (and Father in Heaven who did the same and took him home), rather than making them go through with such a difficult decision. I feel an assurance that even though his life was so short, he had such a great purpose.

Thank you, Alan. Thank you for coming to us. Thank you for doing everything you could to fulfill your purpose. No one on this earth can know how much you mean to me. But I hope you do. I look forward to meeting you again, but this time being able to more fully drink in your inspiring, admirable, valiant spirit and to talk to you one-on-one. I love you.

When I think of you, Alan, I am reminded of one of my all-time favorite quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"To share often and much...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

You succeeded, Alan.